I don't feel better

           

           One of my least favorite questions is, “Are you feeling better?” I always give my smile and say, “Yes, thank you!” or “I’m alright,” “I’m okay, how are you?” to get the focus off of myself and how I’m feeling. Most of the time that’s the last thing I want to think about. I don’t say this to by any means shame those who ask me this, only to make a point. I don’t feel better. I have better days and worse days. It’s not really like a cold you just “get over” or a period that eventually “eases up.” If it’s not one thing, It’s usually another. And you’re absolutely right, “I can’t catch a break.”

            A week ago Sunday an ambulance was called to the airport when I was trying to get home because a TSA officer saw my mom and I struggling to get back to the car because I was in so much pain. This picture is pretty standard for me (minus the ambulance, that was definitely a first). No, I wasn’t on my period. And no, I had not eaten dairy or gluten. I had a stomach bug. I’m the first to admit stomach bug’s suck. They call it 24 hour or 48 hour bugs for a reason, because most people just hop up feeling great after a few days and are back to eating normally. Guess what… I’m not normal. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even sit up to get sick. I didn’t just bounce up out of bed after a couple days either. (I will say, that whoever coined the phrase, “I’m just one stomach bug away from my ideal weight!” wasn’t kidding!!!)  I showed up at school three days later because I couldn’t miss anymore classes. I immediately got the question I dreaded, “Are you feeling better?” To which I replied, “I’m here.”

“You are allowed to show up fully in this life even before you know what tomorrow looks like.”

-Morgan Harper Nichols

            Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to simply show up most days. I may not feel “better,” but I’m here. Better feels relative. Healing isn’t linear. I may feel better than I did yesterday and that’s why I’m here. Or I’m here because I’m just so stubborn that I get out of bed no matter how I feel. I’ve learned to use mindfulness to be awake in the present moment. I chose the phrase “Choose to be Present” for my mantra in 2019 (post about that to come). Choosing to be present is about more than physically showing up. I believe the physicality leads to mental/emotional presence and finally being spiritually present. If you’ve ever seen someone raise their hands in worship, you may make the assumption they are doing so out of a response to a spiritual sensation. But often, I will raise my arms in worship because in the act of taking a reverent posture, my heart responds in worship. I believe the same thing goes for me when I wake up in the morning…and get out of bed. It isn’t always because I feel well enough to get out of bed. It’s because I know that when I show up, I’m making a choice to be present, no matter how I feel.

            I hesitated titling this post. I feel like titles are important because they give my readers an idea of what they are about to read. I worried that this would seem like a downer for a blog geared toward encouragement. Well, here’s your encouragement, show up. I’m better than I was yesterday but even if I’m not, I will always say “I’m here,” because being mindful of how I feel is important, but sometimes mindfulness means your feelings will follow your mind. My first step is getting in the shower, my next step is choosing to say “I’m here”, and finally I feel present with my emotions. I feel joy not because of my circumstances or lack of pain, but because of my friend who gives me a hug, or because I smiled at the barista and she smiled back. It’s easy to be present where you feel your presence is worthwhile. Well, let me tell you, your presence does matter and you are worthwhile. So choose to be present today, and tomorrow, and a week from now and I promise it will be worth it.