What was Invisible Visible

“My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Psalm 73:26

            September 13, 2017. I woke up that morning with abdominal pain. I didn’t know then how far I would come in a little over a year. I went to the ER that night in excruciating pain thinking I was going to come out with one less organ. Instead I left with more questions than answers, which led to more and more questions and more hospital visits and prescriptions than I could possibly have imagined.           

            Having a chronic illness feels like drowning. I’ve heard it best described as a room. A room you feel trapped in but you’ve done nothing to trap yourself inside. It’s not something that praying more can aid or taking more vitamins can remedy. Let’s focus on the room for a minute. I usually see it as my dorm room. It’s comfortable, homey, and people I love come in and out on the daily. But there’s one way in and out and it’s through a door. To leave the room, one must simply open the door and walk out, but sometimes I unintentionally feel I shut that door and shut everyone else out and myself in. I sit inside and tend to my wounds and allow a heavy weight and my hurts to take root in my mind. A dear friend told me once, “don’t let your chronic pain be a room you live in but a hallway to knowing Christ better.”

On this day, January 3, last year I had my diagnostic surgery for endometriosis. They went in and found PCOS coupled with Endometrial tissue growing on my abdomen and the back of my pelvis. The Mayo Clinic describes endometriosis as,

Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus. With endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal bands of fibrous tissue that can cause pelvic tissues and organs to stick to each other.

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. 

 I’m on my fourth form of treatment for my endometriosis presently. In 2018 I began dieting for pain management and to lower inflammation of my abdomen which causes pelvic pain. Being in college on a highly restrictive diet is tough, let me tell you. But it’s better than trying to hide the inevitable “endo belly” which is the result of inflammation and irritation because of blood on my abdomen or something I’ve eaten. PCOS has affected me less, I’ve had at least two cysts rupture that I had to go to the hospital and receive painkillers for. Endometriosis I live with every day.

            Seeing my season of chronic pain as a place to grow in Christ brought a nearness to Him than I had ever known before. One of the hardest days I experienced was the day my doctor told me my condition was treatable but NOT curable. I hadn’t realized how important that word “cure” was to me. My hope began to fade rapidly. I felt broken past the point of ever being put back together again. That was a few weeks after my surgery, a diagnostic surgery that was basically a seal on my identity I was sealing for myself. Instead of having an autoimmune disease, I decided that I was an autoimmune disease. Instead of having chronic pain, I decided I was chronic pain. Comparison was the thief of any hope I was being offered by doctors, it just seemed like small teaspoons next to the vat of self-hatred I was brewing against my own body.

 As terrible as cancer is, it has a hope for a cure and even remission. I have no cure for my illness as of yet. How did this bring me nearer to Christ? The word, “cure” was key for me. I realized something about the gospel that I hadn’t recognized before. Christ experienced pain and suffering in his flesh, he chose to become fully man and suffer inconceivable pain on my behalf. My state of spiritual death because of my sin had no cure, but He brought me healing through His blood. In praying for a “cure” or healing physically I found this greater blessing of His healing He desires for my soul. Through this season of healing, Jeremiah 33:6 whispered in the dark, “Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.” (Which I requested my mom to read over me before going into surgery last year) I truly believe he binds up the brokenness of His people. He binds the brokenness in me.

“The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances.”

Elisabeth Elliot

            This year I’ve discovered more freedom (Read “Chapter Free” blogpost from July) in my chronic illness. The Lord has gifted me with friends walking this with me either through social media (The Tiredgirl Society) or at school. It’s so easy to buy into the lie that I’m overreacting and that it’s all in my head. The days that I push through the pain, following the well-known mantra “fake it till you make it” the harder I fall. I’ll get a flare up of endo or pelvic pain, my auto immune will drop and I’ll catch whatever comes down the pike. With a chronic illness one can also experience hard to predict or explain symptoms like chronic fatigue, migraines, back pain, or nausea.

            I’ve struggled a lot trying to hide my illness from my family and friends. Pretending to be okay when I’m not, missing out on important events, family gatherings, and even a show because of my health. I’ve avoided eating in public school areas, choosing to sit in my room during lunch or not going out with friends because of my diet and to avoid bringing attention to what I can or can’t eat. I’ve chosen to wear larger clothes when I feel bloated or am in pain because clothing touching my stomach or hips kills me. I’ve sat through classes wanting to scream or tried to discreetly run out of the room some days when a toradol doesn’t touch the pain.

            I watched a lot of “year in review” photo reels on Instagram and other social media platforms this week and so I did one myself but didn’t feel a peace about it after posting. There was something missing, besides the lack of photos in January and February, because of my surgery. Then I found the photo from the pre op of my surgery on January 3, 2018. I wrote this on the caption I posted to follow on my ig story, which then inspired me to write this post.

            “This photo didn’t make it to the “highlight reel” I put it here as a REMINDER to myself and to anyone who made it through all of the pics before…that life isn’t always the ig, it’s the unforeseen hospital trips, the sleepless nights, and the countless meds to get to class in the morning. It’s surgeries and dieting instead of getting to be a normal college student. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Life isn’t the highlight reel. It’s finding the highs in real life.”

My pastor in Hot Springs said once, while discussing the movie Wonder, “We’ve all heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people,” but I also believe that, “healed people heal people.” That’s why I wrote this post. I wanted to share my story of having an invisible illness to let you know you’re not alone. Healing is in sight. Your diagnosis has a name and a cure. The hands of Jesus are anointed for my healing.

You may not see my scars but I carry them with me underneath my shirt and beneath my skin. Just as Christ carries the wounds on his hands from my salvation. You probably didn’t see this picture when I came home from Italy. I was embarrassed of my scars. I’m no longer ashamed to bear my scars. They are a memorial of pain, yet a reminder of hope.

 

Cited:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/endometriosis/symptoms-causes/syc-20354656

Cory Cangelosi, Pastor at NEW LIFE CHURCH in Hot Springs, AR